It is difficult to put into words my frustrations. I feel so misunderstood. All of my young life I felt like an outcast, like someone who did not belong. I felt that people often misunderstood me or misjudged me. I have come to several conclusions as I have gotten older.
First, I stopped worrying about what others thought about me. The reason is not because I no longer cared what they thought but finally came to the conclusion that I am a good person that has much to offer the world. I care for others. I try to help other people as often as I can.
Second, I have the type of personality that is going to rub some people the wrong way. I have a strong outgoing personality. I like to laugh and to make others laugh as well.
I don't know why I am writing this. I guess a number of insecurities have resurfaced. I have felt always like I was on the outside looking in with regards to my family. I am not sure my parents understand me very well. I can understand why they might find me an enigma. Being adopted I share no genetic similarities with my parents. I have come to the conclusion that some of our personality traits are almost hard wired into our genetic code. Having two children of my own, I often see them acting much the same way that I used to act when I was a child.
I am nothing like my parents. They are quiet and passive. I am outgoing and strong willed. So I guess that I can understand their frustration. I am just venting.
Its been a tough couple of days. Being newly married is a tough adjustment in and of itself. I was not single that long, and so being with someone is not an issue. I was married for 13 years. They were not perfect years, but they were good. But mainly I knew her. I knew her looks, what made her happy, what got her upset. I knew her sounds; when she was unhappy or happy. I knew when she was in pain (whether it was physical or emotional). In a nutshell, I knew her well. Now I have to start all over again.
I am not worried about this challenge. I feel very fortunate to have found such a wonderful companion to spend my life with. We have much in common. It takes time to get to know someone new.
But now we are apart. It is difficult. I need her. But her son needs her more right now. It is still very difficult though.
And today I found out more very sad news. My mother called me today and informed me that my cousin passed away. He was only a few years older than me and it is very sad. Unfortunately he battled drug and alcohol addiction for much of his adult life. I was not close to him, but that is not my fault. For some reason my aunt, uncle and their children chose not have a relationship with me. I am not sure why and now that I am almost 40 I don't care. Regardless, I cannot imagine what my aunt and uncle are going through. They have brought five children into this world, but have lost three already. Having experienced loss in my life, I still cannot imagine what it must be like for them.
The good news is that I am about to become a grandpa. My new stepson and his wonderful fiance are about to have a child. I did not think that this would happen for a number of years but I welcome this new title and challenge.
Despite the challenges, life is wonderful.
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